I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize