You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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