Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
