Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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