how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
