he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
