I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
