Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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