I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
