you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I love you.
Bad choice
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
