you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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