oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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