do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
