I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
