the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
