So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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