you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Randomize