I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
People in love make me want to vomit
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
