I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
