My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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