You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
