when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
