My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
