Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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