I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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