You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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