I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Randomize
