Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
