I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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