I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize