Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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