Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
