Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
