Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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