ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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