I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
