I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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