Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
