and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
