i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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