Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
