I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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