You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
