Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize