i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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