i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
