I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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