Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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