I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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