you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
