Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
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