I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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