Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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