This dress was meant to end up on your floor
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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