There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
