He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
the room spins SO much faster in panama
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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