my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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