I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize