dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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