i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
