Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
