Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
