Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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