the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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