What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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